I cried when I washed my hair this morning.

Hell, I’m crying now.

And I just can’t seem to get my head or my heart or my hands around packing for my every-year camping trip…

~~~

I know why this is – it’s because I’m trying, in my head, to be all “Strong” and “Independent” and “I can’t impose this pain on someone else” / “I can get past this on my own!” (Clearly, what Shanna calls “Survivalist”) And it’s also clearly NOT WORKING the way I want it to and it’s time to change my approach.

Because there’s this elephant in my heart, and I really can’t hide it anymore. If I don’t write/talk/cry it out, I’ll always have this great-big-sore-spot that I’m always dancing around and being afraid to really explore here or in-real-life … and that’s one great-BIG-mutha-roadblock, folks!!!

So, here goes … (hoo boy, is this hard to write) …

Cian, my DH, Life Partner and one of the Loves-of-My-Life, died a year ago Sunday.

(We knew it was coming, and we’d done an amazing amount of talking-it-out and crying and laughing, and even some planning, but nothing can REALLY prepare ya for the super-duper-roller-coaster of inside and out CHANGES {and the corresponding overwhelm!} that Mother Kali brings.) (It’s a lot like childbirth – you can do all kinds of ‘prep work’, and all kinds of talking-before-hand, and even exercises to get ready, but the “real thing” WILL knock you for repeated  loops!)

So, that’s my elephant, both my roadblock and my catalyst, and the great-big-thing I’ve been tip-toeing around here for the last year or two. I’ve mentioned it in my comments elsewhere, sort of as an aside usually, almost like it was ‘no big thing’ (really? Really, Karen?????) ~ reluctant (hell, afraid! admit it!) to examine my own reactions to going “that deep” into my own vulnerabilities. “Believing my own press”, eh? Oh, and afraid to allow (there’s that Permission thing, too) most other people to see that I’m not always as “graceful” or “together” or “serene” as I may seem.

~~~

There’s so many many bits and pieces that are hanging onto this, that I could avoid posting this for hours (I’ve already knowingly shied away from it for 2 months), but there are things that I choose to do now, and the first one is hit “Post” and really start the release and catharsis (and then the packing!).

~~~

I’ll be away from my computer ’til at least the 14th  starting this evening. I may check in, but I may not, too – just sayin’.

I love you, and I offer you all Bright Blessings and big hugs, always! K

 

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